and I believe in the kingdom come and

It's been a whirlwind of a weekend. Frankly I'm a little too tired to even conceive of an interesting way to detail it all, but it began with a beautifully spicy Dia de Los Muertos concert with the BCC on Friday night (it was hardly a concert, really more of an organized seance). Saturday I worked a busy Lunch and tea shift at the restaurant, which Moyoko (a fellow server) and I spiced up with a running game of Truth or Dare which soon escalated to Dare or Dare. On one such dare, in the style of the movie Super Troopers, I had to use the word "meow" five times while greeting a table and taking drink orders. I then turned the Dare over to Moyoko with the word "nugget". She was slightly less successful. My next dare for her was to drink a concoction of my making. I combined raw egg with ice cream, tobasco, olive oil, shrimp paste, chive aeoli, lemon curd and some duck pate, which I'm damn impressed to say she drank. And then I took over her section because she felt really ill and had to sit down for awhile. Honestly though I was extremely impressed. So impressed in fact, that the game had to end right there because I was afraid I wouldn't be able to down any potion she made for me. Today I worked an equally busy brunch shift which began with me showing up to the restaurant an hour early, thanks to the daylight savings time kicking in, and me without Mum to leave a post-it on my door to turn my clocks back. What do grown-ups do to remind themselves that these events are approaching? Isn't it our duty to remind each other? Does everybody else get a call from their Mothers reminding them the night before? How does this work in the big girl world?

I've made a check-list of 5 things to accomplish tonight and I've managed half of two of them: the first part of a poem for this class tomorrow, and a sloppy review of the Randal Thompson Alleluia for the rehearsal tomorrow (Tufts Chorale). I'll also be leading warm-ups with the Chorale which I shouldn't be so worried about, but I'm actually more anxious about doing that than I was about conducting them. Because I'll have to sing in front of them.

The poetry assignment was to write a poem with my name in it. She didn't specify in what way, whether we're supposed to address ourselves in the voice of apostrophe or use a kind of 3rd grade acrostic format or what, but I've found the process really challenging, and so far I'm pathetically disappointed in what I've been able to create. When she described the assignment I was so moved at the idea of sitting down and writing this, as though to make room in a poem for my own name was a way of honoring myself, but I haven't yet been able to do the assignment justice. I've got some images along the lines of constructing the beginning middle and anticipated end of my life under the metaphor of a basic triad chord (tonic, mediant, dominant), tonic being childhood, dominant old age, and all that, but it's sounding trite and silly and I'd rather scrap the whole thing and go to bed. After all I have been up since 7. Or is it 8?

Again, I'm sitting with this pervasive loneliness. It's relentless and loud. And strange, in that I go through my day and come into contact with a number of people at work and then on a good day, some people that I actually care about (namely Kate, Eric, Emma, Gwen) and yet after each of these interactions I go home feeling somehow more lonely and detached. I don't know if it's about going home to the empty house, or the constant realization that I have very few people here with whom I'm at all close and connected, or just feeling awash and unauthentic in the this city that I feel like I don't belong in. Maybe it's in feeling that I can't completely be myself around any of them, that with everyone I spend any time with, especially Kate and to some degree Emma, I'm clambering for their respect, for even keel in the relationship, to be seen as an equal who is worthy of their time, is just as smart, just as good, just as responsible as they are. It's exhausting to be around people I don't know because I'm dying to be liked, and exhausting to be around those those I do know because I'm working hard to make sure they keep liking me. Sometimes I don't feel known at all. I guess that's a theme for tonight. Not being known, and not paying close enough attention to those around me enough to know them, and therefore forming a belief system around what I think I've learned. I don't know, I'm just realizing that the loneliness feels especially profound after company. Recognizing that I may not have good company again for awhile, and often that feeling is so overwhelming that breathing isn't voluntary in that moment. It's terrifying, but I think it's more my problem than anyone else's. That's not a self-pitying thing, I'm just trying to acknowledge what's my part and what's not, and I do have a part to play in this loneliness. In a way I guess I've chosen it. Like I did during London round II, or any time I've isolated. Like I think I'm getting something out of it, or will. I also find comfort in knowing that I'm just, this way. I have a great capacity for loneliness, I have a great need for connection, but none of that bullshit pass the time stuff. You know what I'm talking about. e.e. cummings did.

Crappy post, I know, but I'm completely unenthusiastic and unmotivated right now, and am compelled to get through my days only by reminding myself of the following things:

1. Boston won't be forever
2. Loneliness will evolve and will feel different in ten minutes
3. Thanksgiving is less than 3 weeks away