Ohhhh tired girl. I'm back after my brunch shift at Upstairs where it was so busy I was actually anxious carrying a tray full of mimosas through the crowd around the bar. All in all it wasn't so bad, but I had one rather sucky table that I thought was going really really well until they tipped me a whopping 9%. Appalling. And surprising, really, because they were laughing with me, they really loved the food, and stayed quite awhile. They weren't European so they didn't have the skewed tip perceptive, and they got excellent service. Really, I was on my game this morning, and either they didn't think so, they were just being buttheads. Which I suppose I've done to waiters before, so I can understand getting fed up with having to pay that much more, but I really can't help but taking it personally. They didn't think I was attentive enough, or worth the tip, or amusing...I don't know. I can tell I'm hung up on it because my shift ended a few hours ago and I'm still carrying it around with me. Who does that?? Who tips nine percent?!
I don't feel particularly chatty right now, mostly tired and a little overwhelmed by the week. I keep thinking my weekends will be relaxing and I'll have time to prepare myself for my obligations for the week like making lesson plans for the BCC kids, reviewing my assignments for Andy (which reminds me I really must set aside some time for that tonight), and organizing my schedule, but inevitably I'm wiped out from the restaurant and feeling lazier than usual and overwhelmed by the prospect of another week, and frankly feeling kind of unexcited about everything I'm doing. I mean, individually, each project is very rewarding, BCC and MEDA, working with Andy, my Tufts classes, and the restaurant all have really important roles in my "great scheme of things" plan. BCC and Andy are for conducting experience and application prep, Tufts classes get me the hell out of my undergrad and Boston, the restaurant keeps me in pocket cash, and MEDA takes care of my recovery (in addition to therapy). I can't afford to give any one of these things up, and I don't particularly want to, I wish I were just more excited about my day to day stuff. I wish I could feel I was at least getting closer and closer to where I want to be, I wish I could track my progress rather than feeling I'm just working day by day into what I'm anticipating will be a very very gray winter. I wish I didn't feel so constantly blue. And it's strange because that gloom isn't always the only thing in me, but it comes through when I'm between activities and obligations. I'll be in the car and suddenly either I can't drive anymore or I want to drive west without stopping, as though I cannot stand to face the rest of my life until I'm out of this routine. I know it's productive, I know I'm getting somewhere, I'm just having a difficult rallying myself into however many more months of 9% waitressing and loneliness and watching the clock till I can go home and be lonely there instead.
Okay, that's a jolly post; I didn't mean for it to be so glum, it's just that when I get typing I stop editing my words and it kind of splats onto the page like this.
I'm going to go to dinner once the karate people are out, and it'll probably be thai food. Then home to be my own taskmaster on Randal Thompson's Alleluia.
ps, just watched Oksana Baiul skate a routine to Swan Lake dedicated to her mother who died of breast cancer (abc is hosting an event called frosted pink which is a fund raiser for women's cancers). When she finished the routine her face was contorted in tears and she sobbed uncontrollably. She could barely get herself off the ice she crying so hard. Naturally, I'm now in tears too. I forget that other activities work for other people like singing does for me. Now Joss Stone and Natalie Cole are singing L.O.V.E. What a neat event.
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Hey darling...so many things came to mind when I was reading your last 2 entries but of course, i've forgotten most of them. I love how immediate and powerful your emotions are. I think that power and presence is also very difficult, when it moves you south, as it often does.
I heard a great speaker in Minnesota once. She had been bemoaning her seeming lack of progress in sobriety, learning, serenity, being in the moment, spiritual growth...all of it. Her sponsor told her she was right where she needed to be for the next piece of growth to occur. She was reminded that we don't keep pulling a new sapling out of the ground just to check it's roots. Neither do we benefit from constant scruntiny about our own growth. Staying in the moment, BEING OF SERVICE...just trying to do what's in front of us (which is what you're trying to do, non?) and leaving the rest to God is enough.
blahblublablaBLAH.
And I loved what you said about my touch. Let me practice on you this weekend. Loving you from home....lovemop
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