Credo

The GRE was pretty disappointing. I actually wondered about half-way through the three hour exam "why the hell am I doing this?" I guessed carelessly on the vocabulary I didn't know (I was surprised at how ashamed I was that there were words in the language with which I'm not familiar, and in the quantitative reasoning section I began to glaze over after about half an hour. So many questions that I couldn't even begin to unravel, and on the few occasions I managed to find a less conventional way of solving the problem, the math itself tripped me up so much that I got extremely frustrated. The writing was fantastic, but beyond that it was pretty much a bust.

Which left me thinking...my best reason for thinking towards grad school now is that I have Andy's support stronger now than ever; he could write me a better recommendation and pull more strings now than he could a few years from now. But other than that...that's kind of all I've got. I have far less experience than I should to be applying to the programs I'm considering, I'm so schooled out, and frankly I'm not convinced that this is what I want to do with my life. I'd so much rather sing, but how the hell am I supposed to do that!

I'm just back from work, there was a party tonight for some company of young lawyers which means good money because we're only passing hours derves and we get payed by the hour plus tips. The low point of the evening was recognizing a girl named Joanna Huey with whom I went to elementary school. She was brilliant, and two years young for the class, and has apparently gone one to make it into harvard law school at 21. And there I was offering her scallops wrapped in bacon. When she asked me what I was doing these days I told her I was studying Choral Conducting at Tufts, hoping she'd assume I was working on my masters and not still chipping away at the undergrad stuff. I wasn't just embarrassed, I was ashamed. I think I'm doing alright, I'm sometimes even proud, until I hear what everybody else is doing. I'm so used to being exceptional that when I'm not, I feel like I've failed somehow (for this reason I believe that they should not tell children that attend schools for the gifted that they're gifted!) I guess I should hear that as a lesson to refrain from comparisons, but it felt absolutely impossible not to compare when she's gussied up all bussiness-like I'm standing there with an apron and a doofy little tie.
I don't know where to begin with this life-planning thing; I really haven't a clue what I'm doing; I only have a vague idea of the people I'd like to have in it and that I'd like to sing. Every day.

I think I'll talk to Andy tomorrow about my grad school reservations when we meet for my independent study. I don't want him to interpret my reservations as me not being serious about grad school or conducting (although maybe that's actually the truth, I really don't know yet), but I'm going to try and voice it in a way that'll be less likely to paint me as a slacker. Maybe he has some other options for me about things I could do for a few years to get more experience. Things not in Boston. Things that would require a long drive first.

It's quarter to 11 and I'm listening to some mellow Eve 6 (I know, oxymoron right?). I'm going to do a little bit of work, and then go to bed. My teeth feel fuzzy; reminder to brush teeth. Sleepyfish.