Blackroof country, no gold pavements, tired starlings

I had oatmeal cookies for dinner last night. A whole bunch of them. I made them at Kate's from scratch and they were just so damn good that I had a dinner's worth, and then maybe a few more. I definitely can't classify it as a binge although it was probably over-eating, and I'm a little frustrated that I hadn't planned dinner for myself and therefore was hungry enough to eat as many as I did, but I'm trying to look for the more positive factors in the event aaaaand here they go:

1. I wasn't out of control during any cookie.
2. At no point did it even occur to me to purge.
3. There was no intense anxiety afterwards (although I'm feeling a little anxious avowing this in print)
4. I stopped because I had had enough and didn't want any more. This is a moment that would never have come a year ago. Mind you, I 'd had an awful lot of cookies by the time that moment came, but my point was THERE WERE STILL SOME LEFT! Many, actually. And it didn't take their disappearance for me to stop.
Alright. I realize that I may sound like I'm desperately searching for glimmers of success in what sounds like anything but, so I'll just leave it at that. I'm feeling a little guiltier this morning (and clearly dwelling on it more) than I did last night. I guess it's a good thing I'm headed into the MEDA internship this morning.

***

The Children's choir yesterday was very very difficult. On Tuesday the teaching fellows had held a long meeting, brainstorming on all of the lesson plans for the beginning, intermediate, advanced, and premier choirs, and I really came up with some good ideas for how to approach my 47 very bright but unruly concert choir. I spent two and a half hours the next morning wrestling with the copy machine and white-out to make up a worksheet of mathematical note values that I was really proud of. I wanted to be able to assess exactly where the gaps in these kids musical education were. Where was I missing the point, and who was sliding through the cracks? I also had decided that rather than playing some snazzy flash-card game with them where it would inevitably end up in chaos and it would be more of a chance for them to perform for one another than to grasp the material, I'd start the class with a pretty difficult worksheet. I thought they'd be quiet, focused, and anxious realizing that they were supposed to apply what I'd been teaching on the page in front of them. I thought I'd have a quiet classroom for once and I was just sooooooo wrong. They had questions, they somehow managed to work in groups, they were talking to each other...I can't think how I could have imagined this would keep them quiet! Despite the chaos the class dissolved into, I did walk away with all of their assignments in-hand, feeling as though I had an idea of where their weaknesses were, and how I could approach it. I reported both their unimproved behavior and my excitement about addressing their musical struggle-areas in our meeting after the day's rehearsals. That was Wednesday.
Yesterday they let me know that they'd like to switch me with another teaching fellow, asking me to teach one of the beginning/intermediate levels of choir, and bringing Marta, another teaching fellow, over to teach my concert choir. I was so crushed. I feel much better about it having talked to Mom and Dad (wow, really throws me off to refer to them together like that) but I'm still stuck in how I could have been harsher with them, more direct, firmer, sticking to the piddly little guns I have. I know things weren't perfect with them, but I knew where they were, I was starting to get their names down, one girl showed me her poetry after class every day and we'd sit and talk about it, I knew Drew had a crush on Hailey next to him, Roxanne needed to start again musically from square one because she'd admitted not being able to understand me (I talk too fast; who knew?). I just feel that I've been defeated by them. And that I've let them down. Which is maybe less accurate, I don't know, its not as if they'll never get the musical education they need. Somebody will give it to them, I just feel embarrassed it's not me. I wonder if they'll know, when Marta walks into the door, that they have a new teacher because I couldn't handle them. I wonder if they'll wish they had me again instead of Marta (I'm...um...way cooler). I want to know if they'll even ask about me.
Heh..you'd think from the way I'm writing this that I didn't have any friends. Funny.

I suppose I also wonder what the new kids will be like. I'm just really stuck on having dropped the ball on this one.

Alright, I'm off to brush teeth and haul-ass to Watertown