Shillelagh law did all engage and a row and a ruction soon began

First news first, last semester's grades are in and I got A's in both the poetry course and my independent conducting study with Andy...which isn't actually a huge deal because I can't imagine anyone NOT getting A's in those classes. I don't care. I'm happy with them.
I've been back in Boston since the 2nd and I honestly feel like I haven't done a thing. Perhaps that's because I'm not officially on the Upstairs schedule much (only Tuesday nights and Saturday afternoons), because the BCC has been minimally demanding (one rehearsal and a staff holiday party), and because my one math class doesn't begin until the 16th. It feels as though I've been lounging around Boston for the past week or so and my brain hasn't been particularly busy, which could certainly help explain why the food issues have suddenly become so massively important...top of the brain...anxious. I have nothing more demanding to distract myself with so the best thing my brain knows to do is start sneaking back into that slightly obsessive thinking about either restriction, or whatever extra food I can get away with. What it feels like, on the Wellbutrin, is that I can eat whatever the hell I want and I see no repercussions on my body. Honestly, that sounds to me like a huge danger disguised as a dream come true. Since being back (and not busy) I've lost my mind on a slab of cake the size of Wyoming (and ice cream and whipped cream and roasted almonds and fudge) at the Cheesecake factory, gone to town on the BCC holiday part desserts, and had two slices of pizza and huge amounts of chocolate last night (after dinner) with Kate and Eric and Emma. None of these were binges, but when I think back through this week it's the food that comes to the top of my brain because it's been so wildly excessive. What's freaking me out about it is that I still weigh around 135. Sure I've been doing yoga every other day, but I don't think there's an exercise on this planet that could compensate for the kind of calorie intake I've been enjoying. Well. There's that great trigger word Dr. Ross pointed out to me at Sierra Tucson, one I'd used two or three times each session. Compensate. It's a word I'm supposed to watch for both in regards to my food, and to how I'm handling my life. The idea is that if I find myself consciously compensating for anything in any way, it's a control issue, and I should recognize it as such and let it be. Compensation is something we're in tune with naturally from the time we're infants, but manage to lose it as we grow up. When we're young, it's very, very simple. We know when we're full, we know when we're hungry, we may over-eat and the next day our body won't be as hungry so we won't fuel it as much. There's no guilt, or analysis of any of yesterday's meals in order to determine what we should eat today. Likewise we don't judge ourselves in the same way we've learned to now; there's no nightly break-down of the flaws we've exhibited today or the ways in which we've let ourselves or other's down, and no grand plan for how to fix it all tomorrow. When we're young, we're just exhausted from playing handball and hiding in the bamboo and tossing the cat off the stairwell to make sure it lands on its feet every time. There is no compensation; there's no room for it- our days our too full, our minds otherwise engaged- we'd find it boring, and you know, it IS boring! Calculating calories and playing with controlling food plans is a really lame way to spend a half hour. As is constant control over who knows what and how did I describe it and how much do you love me. All of these things are far less interesting than the coffee shop around me, the swing set under me, the bright blue plaid pajamas I'm wearing.

Something else that's been on my brain a lot lately (and this is still residual Eat Pray Love thinking so forgive me) is the amount of time I spend in anticipation of things. And anticipation is putting it kindly, it's really better described as constant anxiety or tapping foot or glancing at the clock...I am constantly waiting for something, or rather my goal is so rarely what I'm actually doing at that moment that it's as though my day speeds by and all I do is spend time being frustrated because I'm late for things I don't really want to do, or waiting for those things to end.. I'm racing to CVS because I need to refill my prescription. I'm sitting around waiting for them to call my name reading tabloids. I'm in traffic leaving CVS going to the next place where I will sit and wait for the event to begin and then watch the clock till it's over. I'll be sitting around waiting for it to be time for me to leave for the Children's Chorus, I'm racing in traffic waiting to get to the BCC, I'm in their rehearsals waiting for them to end so I can get back in the car and hurry home. Like that's where I really want to be anyway. The goal is so rarely where I actually am in that moment, and it means that most of the time, I'm uninterested in my life. My life! This is my life and I'm bored by it, missing it because I'm in constant unspoken complaint that I don't want to do what I'm doing, that I'm always anticipating the next thing, never just doing thisthing. Okay that was a lot of reiteration, sorry, I have to get my blogging legs back under me again. When I was in LA, I felt marvelous. Day to day, I didn't once feel as though I was doing something that I couldn't wait to end, or was counting down the moments till anything else. Everything I was doing, I wanted, every minute, whether it was in transit or event. In the car with Mum, at the meetings, at my yoga classes, at every meal, in the hot tub, blowing up balloons, even at Eva's house. Yes, I know that was a vacation and I'm supposed to feel gooey and content in every minute of it, and that I would get bored if my life consisted only of those things and I never had to work for them, but my point isn't about boredom. It's about mindfulness, and being in the moment. Sound familiar? Sound cliche? It is. And it's absolutely the only way I think I'll be able to handle these next few months. It's winter, and my world is pretty small day to day, and I'm about to wrestle my last math class to the floor and likely be discouraged more often than not, and I'm not singing in a choir right now. These are all reasons that I think mindfulness is essential, that I think it's the only way I won't feel useless and lonely and peaceless. There are very few things for which I'm present these days: when I'm singing, teaching, Yoga, and if I'm taking care of myself when I'm eating. Definitely not when I'm waitressing, but the nice thing is that I don't even have time for mindfulness then. I don't really know how to make myself mindful and present when I'm doing things like driving, waiting, reading, chatting...even some yoga classes are difficult to get through some days. I look at the clock constantly, and rarely is it to orient myself in the day. It's usually just to count down. What a great way to miss everything.