put all the blame on VCR

I woke up this morning having intended to sleep in but only making it to 8:30 and that's after waking up three times before. It was disappointing because I really wanted to relish the morning in bed, today is the first day where I haven't been scheduled for anything. And as much as I was looking forward to it I guess something in me couldn't handle the thought of a day all to myself, so on round one of my wake-ups this morning I called in to Physical Therapy and made an appointment.

So now I'm back from that, I hit the gym while I was there, and now I'm out of the shower puttering around not really motivated to do laundry or the house-keeping that needs doing. While I was in physical therapy I got a call from this girl Chloe from program who I've known for a couple years, she went to Tufts, we're not close but I'd call her in a pinch if I was hurting. Turns out Chloe is the speaker booker for the big monday night women's meeting I go to, and she was calling to ask me to speak. Honestly the first thought I had was "finally someone who recognizes I have brilliant things to share" and my second thought was "oh...shit" realizing that my brilliant things all come from ego, and I have to sit there and deliver my story without it for somebody else. Rather, a whole room full of somebody elses. Okay not a room full, more like fifteen ladies or something like it. I'm now afraid that maybe I don't qualify as a bulimic anymore, or that because food isn't as terrifying as it once was that I don't deserve to be there anymore (says the girl who mowed through 14 oz. bag of peanut m&ms without meaning to yesterday). Then again I guess that stuff is actual progress. Actually no 'i guess' about it, it's progress. I don't feel much of an internal shift yet, so my "what it's like now" I'm afraid won't yet be as inspiring as others have been, but what I do have to bring to the table is six years of ass-kicking bulimia from which I now have a year and almost three months reprieve. The internal recovery is a different animal, one I can't talk about yet with any authority. Workin' on it.

Time to hit Full Moon with a book and then wander over to the meeting super super early. I just don't know what to make of all this time on my hands today. Thank god I've got an 8:40 appointment and an exam tomorrow.