a pair of dull scissors in the yellow light

I wish Blogger knew how to post music, it's a kind of fantasy of mine that I could write a post while listening to a piece and then post the piece so the entry could be read to that soundtrack. Right now it's Regina Spektor's "Samson".

I spent most of today alone. I went to Symmetry, took Sid (my lil honda) into Honda Village where I played with blocks and did downward facing dog while I waited. They replaced the thermostat and the tire that had gone flat. I was surprised to find how expensive my life is. $117 for the tire and labor, $33 to fill up my tank, $50 for groceries on the way home, $25 for medford car tax (whatever that is it arrived in the mail today), $40 to refill my prescription...I'm an expensive girl.
I can't imagine how I'm ever going to make enough money to pay to live. And I don't think I live an extravegant life, I mean, I guess buying fresh ground peanut butter is expensive, but I mean my life doesn't consist of a series of splurges, and I'm having a hard time seeing how I'll be able to make enough money to cover myself. As is, Mum and Dad pay my rent and heating and electric, and I take care of the rest. I can barely handle the rest! Okay that's not entirely true, it's not like I'm in danger of going broke or like my bank account is steadily dwindling- it's not- but it tends to stay pretty steady- how is one supposed to save anything, especially when I'll be paying rent? I guess I'm overlooking the fact that, although I work to some capacity every single day, it's in spurts, and not like a steady 9-5. Monday I'll have a day off, Tuesday I'll work dinner, Wednesday and Thursday BCC, Friday and Saturday I'll work dinner, lunch, and tea, and Sunday usually the Church, or a BCC performance if there is one. I don't know how adults do it, I don't know how adults who don't work for Behr Sterns make it, especially ones with useless degrees like mine. I'm scared I'll be forever cobbling together a meager income and won't ever be able to feel relief like I've made it to adulthood.

I suppose I haven't had much to say lately...I've done so much writing that I feel pretty scraped out.

I decided not to come home for spring break. Which makes me sad, and solid. I was really looking forward to the roller blading, the Sunday meeting, the carrot cake at the coral tree cafe, and seeing everyone, but for my own sanity it makes more sense for me to stay. I would have found it too easy to come home and stay home if I went, I would've left myself in Los Angeles whether I intended to or not, and wouldn't have been able to come back to Boston and live independently, without momentum. Static fish.
Hey, check it out, stumbled across this...amazing what this blasted internet can find us. I think this song is so lovely. I like that she's not indulged in glamor like every other goddamn music video, and I like her chosen articulation:




Regina Spektor - Samson lyrics




And here's my contribution to the art world- I found this while sorting through old poetry drafts from junior year at Marlborough. It only serves to prove to me that as I've grow up (hah!) I've only become more dramatic, unnecessarily elaborate, and irrelevant. Guess that's why they say "oh to be seventeen again". Whoever they is.


grow, legs.
let the moist skin at the backs of my knees
expand, convex with muscle
when I flex my feet.

arch, my back.
so I may set my fingers between the vertebrae
sparse-spaced
as spine sighs
into a stiff curve.

yawn, own mouth.
make me a cathedral:
rest the globe atop my tongue,
against my cheeks,
tightening the tissue,
and the rivets,
and the roof.




shut up. i like it.